Loss

I never thought I'd be posting about something like this, I had hoped the news would be happy, sharing that we were expecting our first child.

However on my first doctor appointment (around 8/9 weeks) during the ultrasound the doctor said "hmm" & nothing else. Photos printed & I thought they were to be ours, I wanted to see our little blip. He turned the monitor towards hubs & I showing what he was seeing. There was a sac (good thing) & a yolk (another good thing) but then there was another sac below that he believed was full of blood (bad thing) & I was only measuring at 6 weeks (bad thing) & he did not see a heartbeat (bad thing). So there were two conclusions, I had my math wrong (which there was a very very slight chance of that happening) or I was having a miscarriage.

Turns out it is a miscarriage - that word still knocks the breath out of me.


I had two tests done, one on the day of my first appointment & another on Saturday 48 hours later. Today I had a follow up appointment - ultrasound & meeting with the doctor.  During the ultrasound the kind wonderful female tech who answered all my questions the best she could, turned on the sound to hear a heartbeat, nearly 10 seconds of nothing, no heartbeat. My heart sunk again.

The doctor told me the numbers were not behaving as they should, they stayed the same, no increase or decrease of hcg & my progesterone was 10. He suggested a d&c. I have decided at this point to forgo that. Why? Well to get more personal, I have no pain, no cramps, no spotting, nothing at all. I have decided to let nature take its course. Of course should things change I may reconsider, however at this point I'm confident in my decision.
Today's ultrasound...three empty sacs

Plus the doctor didn't even know who I was when he walked in, said "Let's see you in two weeks & we should probably run some more tests." Anger seethed through my body, I responded, "You saw me last week, you already did the tests & I just came from an ultrasound." He left the room for several minutes & finally read my file.  So tasteless to me, I clearly will never be seeing him again. My regular obgyn is a physicians assistant & I adore her, makes me wish she was a doctor after today's interaction. 

Now you may be asking why I am deciding to share this news, I debated it for a bit, but at the end of the day if you know me in real life you know I am an open person. Maybe a little too open sometimes. I wanted to share my story because in the hours following the heartbreaking appointments I could not find enough supportive information or women sharing their experiences. Sure there were a couple blogs & lots of articles, but nothing spoke to me.

I did find a slightly reassuring statistic that said 10-25% of pregnancies end in a miscarriage. This did make me feel better & but also shocked me 25% is a huge number! Why do more women not talk about this? At a time where you feel alone, scared, mad, sad, the gamut of emotions - why are we not there supporting one another?

My heart is heavy, while the timing was not ideal for us (running 3 half marathons through out a pregnancy probably wasn't going to result in personal best times or even personal fun time) I accepted it.  I began to plan our lives for a baby. Deciding which room would become a baby room, creating secret Pinterest boards for pregnancy & birth announcements, baby room styles we liked, etc.

But on the morning of August 14th as I was writing in the journal I started shortly after I discovered I was pregnant, I wrote "I pray everything works out, that we can see you today & know that all is well." In the back of my mind I knew that miscarriage was a realistic outcome. That the first 13 weeks are very unsure. On both sides of our families there is a history of miscarriages, while this is not something that is proven to be hereditary it did raise a flag to me.
After the first appointment both hubs & I took the rest of the day off of work, we needed time to be together & process the news. There was lots of tears, naps & watching mindless tv that day. By the evening I decided we all needed to go for a walk, it was a good way to end the day, it got hubs & I talking more about the appointment, where we both stood emotionally & spiritually. Thankfully we both seemed to be on the same page, realizing how much we want to be parents & how badly we wanted this child.

But I am choosing to remain positive about this, here are the "good things" I have learned about myself:
  • I can get pregnant! While I didn't have a reason to believe I couldn't, it's a relief to know that yes I can get pregnant. Maybe my body is a little hostile towards a baby right now, maybe there was a chromosome abnormality & I know it's just God working in my life right now. 
  • It looks like I may have a twins one day (check out the ultrasound above), the doctor did confirm it looked like it was a multiple pregnancy. Twins do run in the family & I've always loved the idea of twins.  
  • It wasn't a tubular pregnancy, knowing that my body knew what to do in the initial few weeks also gives me comfort & strength that one day it will do the right thing for a full 36+ weeks. 
  • I believe you are never given anything you can't handle. Yes, some days are absolute hell, things may try to break you, but you rise up & continue & usually end up kicking some ass. 
  • My husband & I have a close & strong relationship. We've been together since we were 19, coming up on a decade of being "us". This lost pregnancy has proven to me yet again that he is my partner & I am his. When one is down the other is there comforting & supporting. It's nice to know we still have each others back. 
  •  Believe it or not, I still have faith. I know we were given this challenge for a reason. I know my body was being tested & pushed. I know that when the time is right we will be blessed. 
  • I can cry & feel sad but know that it is okay. I have always been someone that wears her heart on her sleeve. That's just me I'm not a complex emotional creature by any means. When I cry its because I am sad, confused & hurt. But what a relief it is to cry, & a relief to know that one day I will be okay.
At the end of the day I choose to have faith & trust that there is a plan, that the right thing will happen for me & my family. Granted it still hurts like hell to know that March 20th will come & I will not be holding a little one in my arms. If you are in town let's have a drink that day & celebrate - because what is life worth if you don't celebrate the good & the bad?

To the women out there who have lost, I feel you, I feel you so much my heart breaks with you. Why does this happen to us? We will never know. But know that you are a hell of a lot stronger than you were because you got through it. There is light at the end of the tunnel, I'm not through my tunnel yet, but I see the light & know I'll get there.

And to those of you that come to me as runners, I still plan to be running the Dumbo Double Dare next weekend. I do not plan to be fast, but to have a good time & celebrate the blessings in my life.  I will see you on the road.

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