Some Days...

some days im amazed i can get through the day, today was one of those days. ever since i shared the news of our miscarriage there have been a lot of pregnancy announcements but recently i received news of one pregnancy that knocked me over. i have been so genuinely excited about all the couples expecting children, some i know have had fertility struggles of their own. but this one has taken me by surprise, i'm hurt & while i realize i shouldn't be i've realized i am still healing. i am human a super emotional woman.

it doesn't help that this morning i woke up from a very realistic dream where i was pregnant, cut to me waking up from that sleepy haze & placing my hand on my stomach realizing there was no baby bump there & by now there would of been a bump.

today october 15 is pregnancy & infant loss remembrance day & i finally have the strength to share the rest our story

*warning - the below is a very intimate story & at moments can be graphic, i do not wish to offend anyone by what i am sharing *

we got pregnant, we had been "trying" for over a year, and it finally happened, the one time i knew it wouldn't...we had been drinking, i didn't stay in bed with my legs lifted up in the air, ya know the whole list of what you do/don't do when you are trying to conceive.  we went on about our evening.  funny thing i actually got sick once the next morning (i honestly thought i had too much to drink & too much rich food, but in hindsight it may of been the first sign, then again who knows). 

life happened, news from the doctors & numerous tests & ultrasounds happened to see how my body progressed with the miscarriage. as you know i chose not to have a d&c, i still stand by this decision as any surgery is still surgery. surgery can be scary & have issues. plus he was out of town & we don't have family here in town & truthfully i didn't want to rely on any of our friends that much. caring for myself after surgery & stella (my dog) was just out of the question. waiting for a miscarriage is like playing russian roulette & let me tell you wearing pads for three weeks really sucks (tampons can't be used for a number of reasons - first you are dilated & second infection can set in)

i started spotting on friday, just a day after a doctors appointment. the spotting remained light & i naively thought this would be easy. on sunday it became heavier, nothing shocking, like a normal period. i had some cramping but did nothing more than normal. 

then thursday during work i became more uncomfortable - cramping intensified & i felt off. that evening i attempted to finish packing for the dumbo double dare challenge in california. yes i was going to participate, it gave me the ability to focus on the positive & feel human & in control.  of course, life always has other plans. the pain got stronger & stronger, i thought that this would be it. i called two of my doctors to confirm what i thought was happening - i was having contractions. something i was not in any way prepared for. the contractions continued, i started timing them. but the timing between each one was irregular - some would be a minute apart, others 5-10 minutes. i powered through, finished packing, took a hot shower, popped a midol (at the recommendation of my doctor) & slept with a heat pad on my stomach that night. the bleeding had become stronger but nothing to cause alarm (my doctor told me that if i went through a pad every hour or two i would need to visit a hospital, i almost said "no duh" a pad an hour?!? yes that is cause for alarm). 

thankfully i slept well through the night, it was needed. friday i went to work, i was in pain & bleeding was heavy but still not a pad an hour. i finished working a half day then went to the doctor for another check up. they did an ultrasound (external) & showed that i still had more to pass. by this point i had been passing some tissue, i honestly figured i was nearly done given the cramping from the night before. but the ultrasound showed i still had a ways to go. the doctor clarified that i would know when it was happening. 

he said things were progressing well but it may still take a while. i was told some women it could take up to 2 weeks before everything was completed. that killed me. knowing this could continue so much longer. i wanted it to be done, i started doubting my decision to not have a d&c, especially considering i had a 10k & a half marathon coming up in the next few days. but i kept the faith knowing that everything happens for a reason. 

so we hit the road off to california. i still was experiencing contractions but it was bearable. soon they started getting closer & closer together & the pain was intensifying. i had him stop at the state line (there are two hotels & plenty of rest stops as well) to use the restroom one last time before we were in the desert were rest stops are few & far between. i knew as soon as i stood up something different was happening. i felt my entire stomach shift down, i felt pressure & i could tell i was passing tissue. ALOT. i rushed as quickly as i could to the restroom, thankfully it was the most beautiful truck stop restroom i've ever seen in my entire life. you could eat off the floor...okay i wouldn't but you get the idea.

of course my body chooses the most inopportune time for the miscarriage to actually happen. i had places to be! things to do! 19.3 miles to run! what was it thinking?! it was of course setting me straight, making me realize that i needed to focus on me & my body. 

let me tell you no matter how many kegels you do, you can not keep this from happening. when you stand up or when you are walking, gravity will take over. i passed a lot of tissue just walking to the restroom. i was surprised. i ruined a pair of underwear, that is how heavy & quick this happened. i did not look closely, as much as i wanted to be aware what was happening i could not fathom my reaction if i happened to see my child. i could not & would not look closely at anything that happened.  what i do know is that what passes is thick & a deep deep red, nearly purple & is rather "solid". it didn't hurt. i don't know why it didn't hurt me, but it didn't. thankfully. perhaps my body was taking over & the endorphins of what was happening blocked it. i don't know but i'm thankful i wasn't in pain. i also wasn't in shock. but i was not prepared for how long this would take. 

two hours.

yes, two hours, non stop bleeding. 

you have no control over how quickly or slowly you miscarry. you are dilated, you can't stop, when you stand up it gets heavier. it's like the faucet is on. its not always tissue but you are always bleeding very heavy, like a massive wound. i went through one pad in a moment, i literally stood up to move around a bit, wash my hands & grab yoga pants from him. he had been standing by the entry of the restroom whenever i needed something & in those couple moments a heavy nighttime pad was soaked.

while waiting i spent a lot of time on instagram (so thank you if you were posting that day). thank god for a cell phone, my mom, sister & best friend for amusing me during that time. they all continued to check up on me. they all knew what was happening. thankfully i was in good spirits. i don't know why, but while this happened i wasn't scared, i wasn't sad. i was done. i was ready to move on. knowing for two weeks you are going to have a miscarriage is the worst. you wait & wait & wait. it's misery. the fact that this was finally happening gave me some relief. i knew i wouldn't be having a miscarriage during a half marathon.

honestly i got bored. really really bored. sitting in a public restroom for two hours is lame. i'm glad i wasn't at home. i will never use that rest stop again. i will probably cry the next time we drive past it. 

i googled miscarriage symptoms - how long do you bleed, how do you know if you are hemorrhaging, what will i feel like after? 

i read two - four hours, thankfully as i said it lasted almost exactly two hours. i did not hurt, i was not shaking, i was not pale, i was not dizzy or lightheaded at any point. so i knew i was not hemorrhaging. but since i was alone in that restroom i needed to know so i could relay my information via text or phone call as soon as possible. thankfully i felt good. 

i don't know why i was so positive when this happened. i don't know why my body handled it so well. i prayed a lot during those two hours. i needed to. i did not cry once the entire time. 

when the two hours were up (& that was literally all the time i had in order to finish our drive & make it to the race expo, yeah yeah priorities, but as i said i needed something to focus on) i stood up & thought to myself, okay that's it. it will ease up now & i will be able to get into the car & we will be able to go on with our trip. & that happened. it was amazing. my body listened, after i spent two hours of listening to it. i was able to go back to the car & we were back on the road.

on the drive to california i experienced much more pain, the cramping was so much more intense than the contractions had been the day before. reality was i was still having contractions. thankfully the bleeding decreased drastically. we were able to finish our drive to california & attend the race expo. then we crashed in our hotel. we were exhausted. emotionally, physically, mentally & spiritually.

now why did we continue to california? well, we were 45-60 minutes away from home, so either way i was feeling we were going to be driving. & i wanted something positive, i wanted to run, i wanted to go to disneyland. that is what happened. it worked, over the next two days i ran 19.3 miles.

saturday morning i woke up & got dressed in my costume for the 10k. i used the restroom & passed more tissue again - from everything i read i would guess it was the placenta that i passed.  the bleeding that entire day was like spotting. i got through all of saturday in very very little pain. 

sunday i woke up tired, i dressed for the half marathon. that day was humid & warm & i was having contractions. nothing bad but it was noticeably stronger from saturday. 

during the half marathon i passed more tissue. sadly that meant i had to use a porta potty. lovely... we were at or near 10 miles & the cramping got stronger & i felt pressure & a shift. i knew what happened. but it was okay. it wasn't anything bad. but i was tired at this point. i was so close to finishing that i powered on & had my running friends distract me with stories & you know what? i finished. 

i made it. i cried. i cried hard, so very hard crossing that finish line. i beat the odds. i did 19.3 miles after having a miscarriage. i finished standing up! 
the medals i earned
my miscarriage was the most challenging that has every happened to me. it pushed my limits. and it still does. there are days i lose it. walking by the baby section in target is the hardest thing. but i will not avoid it, i have to get through this. but emotionally i am finally catching up to everything that happened. i lost a child. i had a miscarriage. 

but it happens, 1 in 4 pregnancies lose a child. so i am trying my best to stay positive. but yes i do have pity parties some days & that is okay. 

because at the end of the day if it's not okay, it's not the end. 

there is a plan for us. one day we will hold our child in our arms. i know we are never given more than we can handle. 

today, as i mentioned is pregnancy & infant loss remembrance day & i ask that you light a candle for our baby & those who have also lost

and i thank you. if you read this entire thing, thank you. you really didn't have to. but know that i appreciate you taking the time to do so. 

have faith & remember that you are strong. if i can do this, so can you.

1 comment:

  1. LOVE YOU GIRL! You are so so so strong. Thank you for taking the time to put the words down. You never know who you may be helping.